That we hate parasites but love pregnancy?

Undeniably.

I recently viewed a show called Monster Inside Me. The show, documenting the journey and existence of parasites within the human body. Now let me tell you, I’ve seen some gross and disturbing things in my life. But I can tell you that Monsters Inside Me would rank very, very highly on this list.

“Mike Hale of The New York Times said that ‘there’s science amid the frightening stories and said that the series really grossed him out.’ Anne Louise Bannon of Common Sense Media said that ‘parents need to know that there is a lot of gross stuff in the series and the show has good educational content except for the tips on how to protect yourself from parasites because the information is vague.’” *

So I’m not alone in this. Most of us aren’t extraordinarily comfortable knowing that at the drop of a hat, our body may be taken prisoner by some sort of hungry parasite.

On a seemingly unrelated note, America loves pregnancy. A lot. Maybe as much as baseball. Or bald eagles.

But really, what is pregnancy? Would I be lying if I were to define pregnancy as, “[when] an organism that lives on or in an organism…known as the host, from the body of which it obtains nutriment.” **

Hmm. Also the definition of parasite.

If someone were to develop a tumor that continually grew in size for 9 months, a tumor that fed off of what you ate, people would probably be slightly concerned, to say the least. But strangely enough, once that tumor is alive (and a fetus), we LOVE it.

While I’m on the subject, can I address the fact that sonogram pictures of fetus’ are about one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen? A four-fingered see-through half-man half-alien doesn’t exactly induce feelings of irrepressible adoration for me. And yet. Some people look at sonogram pictures as if they just saw the Mona Lisa.

Just some food for thought. Next time you see an abnormally large-stomached woman, a pregnant woman, your intuition may tell you say “awww” and touch her. But just remember, a tiny person is floating around in there, sucking all of the nutrients from its host.

You wouldn’t say “awww” if you saw a tick would you?

* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monsters_Inside_Me

** http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/parasite

That dolphins sleep with one eye open?

Mos def!

When we think of those who sleep with one eye open, a couple of characteristics come to mind:
• Suspicious
• Insane
• Panicked
• Sleep-deprived
• Medically sick – “This symptom [eye-open sleeping]…should prompt a search for an underlying neurological problem, namely bilateral facial weakness. One of the more common causes of such a problem, particularly if it has gone unnoticed by the individual, is a form of muscular dystrophy called facioscapulohumeral muscular dystrophy.”*

Well, to my knowledge, dolphins don’t generally posses any of the preceding characters. In fact, if I were to characterize dolphins, I might call them:
• Cute
• Nice
• Adorable
• Friendly
• Nice
• Cute
• Uber Friendly
• Super Adorable

I would never even consider characterizing them in any similarly to the open-eye sleepers (aside from being suspiciously awesome, insanely legit, or sick how cool and nice dolphins are).

So when considering the gaping disparity between open eye sleepers and dolphin cuteness, we are presented with a weird divergence. Dolphin’s are crazy delightful while in their waking hours, and oddly neurotic during their sleeping hours.

Edgar Allen Poe had some thoughts about open eye sleepers, most famously occurring in his short story, The Tell Tale Heart. In this story, the narrator finds his roommate sleeping with one eye open. Check it out:

“I moved it slowly, very, very slowly, so that I might not disturb the old man's sleep. It took me an hour to place my whole head within the opening so far that I could see him as he lay upon his bed. Ha! would a madman have been so wise as this? And then when my head was well in the room I undid the lantern cautiously -- oh, so cautiously -- cautiously (for the hinges creaked), I undid it just so much that a single thin ray fell upon the vulture eye.”

After doing this for seven nights, the narrator decides that such open eye sleeping is such a problem so as to merit a murder.

Does this mean, then, that if such a narrator were to see a dolphin sleeping with one eye open, and his lantern were to shed light in the dolphin in just the wrong way, would he murder this dolphin? We'll never know I suppose.

* http://www.medhelp.org/posts/Neurology/Sleeping-with-Eyes-Open/show/897018?forums=forums

That evolution hasn’t ousted the appendix?

You’re tellin’ me!

According to WebMD, “The appendix sits at the junction of the small intestine and large intestine. It’s a thin tube about four inches long. Normally, the appendix sits in the lower right abdomen. The function of the appendix is unknown.”* Essentially, the appendix serves no clear purpose, and is about as useful as the cartilage on your ear.

Recently, though, some experts at Duke released some interesting information about the functionality of the appendix. “According to the researchers, the appendix's job is to "reboot" the digestive system.”^ Your guess is as good as mine.

And, even despite this medical revelation, these scientists still admit, “The appendix is routinely removed without any notable ill effects or side effects and the scientists stress that even though the appendix seems to have a function, people should still have them removed…”^

So whether or not the appendix has any functionality whatsoever, having it removed has zero visible adverse effects on human health (begging me to ask question, what functionality could the appendix possibly have in the first place.)

Weirdly, having the appendix removed has no effect whatsoever on the stability of human health. But keeping your appendix, now that’s a different story.

In fact, the most common effect that the appendix has on human health is its ability to act as a killing machine. Every one in a while, this organ will decide its time to swell up like a balloon, explode, and threaten to murder the body in which it sits. In fact, if left untreated the mortality rate of appendicitis is abnormally high. This is certainly a weird fact.

1 in 15 people will fall victim to appendicitis in their lifetime. Appendicitis demands a relatively intense surgery that demands at least an overnight hospital, and painful recovery.

But appendicitis isn’t the only disease associated with this pesky organ. Cancer of the appendix accounts for 1 in 200 of all gastrointestinal tumors.

All of the above brings us to the ultimate weirdness: the fact that the appendix even still exists!

Picture this: you are an architect, and you decide to build a skyscraper. In a locked room, you put an enormous bomb that usually just dawdles aimlessly, but 6.6% of the time, threatens to detonate and collapse this skyscraper. Because the bomb is in a locked room, getting to it will demand some intense prodding, probably leaving some blemishes on the skyscraper’s exterior structure.

If you were a smart architect (a smartchitecht?), you would realize that locking up a pointlessly threatening bomb in your building was, in the least, inefficient. But if you were a somewhat stupid architect, you would continue constructing all of your buildings with a locked bomb inside, just waiting to explode.

Well, to me, this makes evolution is a somewhat stupid architect. Sure it’s done some great things, like let us walk solely on our legs, but still, I have to wonder what has possessed evolution to hold on to the appendix.

Oh well! For now, we can just wait patiently, I suppose.

*http://www.webmd.com/digestive-disorders/picture-of-the-appendix
^http://www.news-medical.net/news/2007/10/08/30907.aspx

That smoking exists?

Hecks yes!

Who in their right mind thought it was a good idea to roll some crops up in a piece of paper, light it on fire, put it in their mouth, suck on it, and fill their mouth up with the smoke? History generally credits the brilliant John Rolfe to popularize smoking, and people referred to tobacco as the “golden weed.” Since then, sucking on flaming paper has been an enormously popular recreational pursuit!

Many things can be smoked, including, but not limited to, marijuana, tobacco, and hookah. Smoking this range of natural plants will give the smoke a range of feelings, depending on the object. Seems weird that lighting a plant on fire and breathing it in could make you feel anything but wholly dismal.

But what’s even weirder: the fact that someone thought smoking wouldn’t affect his or her health in a negative manner. In fact, it wasn’t until the ‘60’s that the U.S. Government (the surgeon general specifically) released any documentation classifying smoking as a potentially health-destructive habit.

That’s pretty weird. Wholly avoiding any attempts to promote an agenda here, but did it really take until the 60’s for the Government to realize that sucking on flaming paper could have potentially detrimental health effects? We invented a cure for polio, but neglected to realize the dangers of turning our mouth into a fireplace? After-all, our ears don't double as chimneys!

Weird indeed.

That we sneeze?

Of Course!

You’re sitting at your desk quietly paying your mortgage, or possibly reading Cosmo Girl, when suddenly, for no wholly apparent reason, you can’t see straight. You seem to have lost control of your very essence, and your eyes begin to tear. And then it happens. You shriek; You slouch; Your eyes close; Air is expelled from your body at 100 miles per hour.

Such passion! Such intensity! And this all provoked by the infiltration of several dust particles into the nose.

What’s weirder: sometimes even just the noise and dramatic motion isn’t enough. Occasionally, any sneeze-victim will find their extremities coated in liquid! Weird.

After said screaming convulsion, any polite passer-by chooses to bless the person who has sneezed. Apparently, such an intense explosion of humanity warrants religious affirmation. Why the heck not?

Normally, if you were to pass someone on the street begin to thrust and shout, you would laugh, call 911, or tell your child not to stare in a hushed voice. Though when someone does the exact same thing in a sneezey context we ask a deity to bestow them with blessings.

Aside from sneeze reactions and initiations, many components of general sneeze culture are fascinatingly weird. For example as with many bodily functions, the sneeze has an onomatopoeia associated with it: the infamous, "a-choo." First of all, it isn't extraordinarily common to meet a sneezer who very accurately emblemizes the "a-choo" sound. Second of all, what is this "choo" that the sneeze addresses? Is sneezing a subconscious expression of "chewing?" Who knows?

So friends, sneeze on! But be sure never to discredit the oddness that is the sneeze. Bless you.